Why I'm Getting Vulnerable on This Blog

Motherhood, Personal Story, Wild Roots Blog

By Madeleine Gray, RN · Wild Roots Blog

Why am I sharing the personal side of motherhood now? Because social media makes real life look easy, and I've realized the most honest part of my story, the anxiety, the identity shift, the nervous system that finally said "enough," is the part that might help another mom feel less alone.

I'm recording this while walking the dog with my daughter. I often have the most clarity when I'm on walks or hikes.

At a glance

• I've written a lot about my work. I haven't shared enough of the vulnerable stuff, and that was the real reason I started this blog.
• Around my 36th birthday I went through a complete identity shift.
• It wasn't one moment. It was a collection: two Temazcal ceremonies in Guatemala, bodywork, and a group healing session.
• Raising Evie while trying to do it all left my nervous system as the thing that had to give.
• I'm sharing so other moms feel less alone, and because being myself in public helps me too.

Why I want to be more vulnerable

I started thinking about all the blogs I've written so far, and I've spent a lot of time writing about my passion and what I do in my career. I've included some of my values and why I talk about them, because my life is my living, or my living is my life. I am grateful to be pursuing my passion and to be able to help people with their health and fitness. But I realize I haven't shared enough of the vulnerable stuff. Honestly, that was more of the drive to start this blog than just sharing what I do for work.

A huge part of why I started this blog is not only to document things about Evie (which I've come to realize I haven't talked much about yet), but also to share my experience as a mom raising her and learning as we go.

I think people are starving for authenticity these days, because social media is so fake and often people are so fake in person. Whether they're scared to show their true colors, they're hiding behind trauma, or they want people to see a life that's different from reality. And most of the time, people are just afraid of showing that they have emotions or experiences that could be seen as dark or troubled, because they'll be judged for them.

So here is some of mine.

What happened this year

Recently, I went through a complete identity shift. It was my 36th birthday. Anyone who's into numerology understands the significance of 3 + 6 = 9, which is also a cycle of completion. Not only was it my birthday, but I also went to Guatemala twice within that year. Guatemala is considered a center for opening the heart chakra, and my heart chakra is the one center in my body that is undefined in my Human Design chart.

A quick note on Human Design

Human Design blends astrology, chakras, and a bunch of other systems to identify patterns and characteristics in your makeup. I highly encourage anyone and everyone to look into their design, because it's so telling of our shadows and where the work lies to align us to our purpose. I'll speak for myself... it's literally so accurate. I mentioned this in another blog, Strengthen Your Intuition.

Of all my chakras, my heart is undefined, meaning I do not have an internal compass telling me if I'm doing a good enough job. This has led to constantly needing external validation of my work, my services, or how I'm doing in a relationship. It also drives me to do a lot of things, try really hard, and succeed in a lot of them, because I basically have no emotional memory of doing a good job on any of those things. So the good definitely comes with the bad here. I only fully realized this pattern for myself this year.

📌 Key Takeaway: An "undefined" center in Human Design isn't a flaw. For me it explains why I chase validation and why I try so hard, and just seeing the pattern was the first step in loosening its grip.

It wasn't one moment. It was a collection of moments.

The first time we were in Guatemala, I did Temazcal for the first time, and that was nine months after I gave birth, which is another powerful time frame in numerology. And the temazcal is known as the mother's womb, and it's very healing for this culture. They use herbs that speak to the woman and the womb. So for me, it was huge and powerful, I can't even fully explain the depth of it all. I let out some noises that I did not expect, for lack of a better explanation. We did some chanting and I let it all out through sound and vocalization. We chanted as a group, and then I cried. I cried so deeply I could physically feel it leaving my womb and my heart, and moving through my throat and my voice. And this was the first event, if you will, that led me down a deeper awakening and shift in my life.

Fast forward to our retreat this summer in June, and I did Temazcal again, plus some healing bodywork from a very gifted traditional Chinese medicine and bodywork specialist. How can I describe his work? He's just gifted at using his hands. In TCM they can assess things through something as simple as your pulse, so they're very gifted at touch. And then he did some massage and pressed on my QL (quadratus lumborum, a deep muscle in the lower back). He said that's where I was holding on to repressed fear and chronic stress. Following this session I did the Temazcal.

And then I did another session with a group of people who channeled and we really connected to source. This part might sound woo-woo to you, but to some people they might understand what this session could be like. This was as close to a godly experience as I can imagine, without any drugs. It was incredible. I was able to make peace with some pain from my past, and feel held and supported by a group of loving people and my family.

It became clear that the pain I was storing in my hips and in my womb was fear and sadness around my birth process, or loss I had in the past. And the repressed anger came out from not speaking up in my relationships, not speaking to my boundaries at various times in my life, but especially as a mom. Not asking for the help I need and feeling like I'm doing it all alone. I was finally able to see where the anger and the tension in my body were coming from. I could move forward from it by asking for help, being clear with my boundaries, and honoring myself, my truth, my rest, my recovery, and my needs overall.

What this looks like as a mom

How this ties into motherhood: I strive to do all the things I can for my daughter, and I lean toward Type A personality traits, which leaves me anxious and run down, touched out, all the things. I've gotten exhausted this past year and a half of her life. Haha! Nobody can do it all, even if they seem like they're doing it all. Something has to give. For me, in the end, it has been my nervous system. I do my very best to regulate so that I can regulate Evie, but I've noticed increasing anxiety that has grown over the last year and a half. And with the major breakthrough I had in Guatemala, it's like all of the things I had suppressed and seemed to have under control blew up in my face at once.

When my nervous system is at its breaking point

Imagine your nervous system like a cup, and the liquid inside is the pressure that you feel, the anxiety. You want it to be less than half full so that you have space to manage others' emotions. But mine... has been sitting just below the surface of the cup. And so every small thing just tips it and makes the stress, anxiety, anger, whatever emotion it is, spill out of the top.

What that looks like as a mom is every little tantrum has the potential to give me my own mommy tantrum, LOL. I would normally be able to give my daughter a tool like a deep inhale and exhale together, let's stomp our feet, a distraction, engage with her, but I escalate really quickly. And I've, though I hate to admit it, gotten angry and yelled. Whatever the trigger is, it's not an ideal reaction. I've become reactive because I am not able to manage my own emotions, much less hers.

Another classic example is the constant no's. When you're well regulated and you rest well, you understand as an adult that their no's are just protests, their independence, and they want to show you they're a separate person. It's not personal. However, when you're depleted and don't have time for yourself as a mom, then you react, and your "yes" comes out sharp, and you take the object away from them or don't give them options, etc.

What helps me most right now

What helps me the most right now is asking for help from my partner, and making sure I work out every day, even if it's with Evie around, and even if it's for 10 minutes, because it's better than nothing. I need to get my own energy out. The other thing I found to be a very cathartic experience is writing it out or voice-to-texting these blogs.

Why I'm sharing all this

I feel called to share all of this because of my Human Design, and how I have a strong pull to share my story... I always have. I just didn't know how to do it, in part because my throat chakra has been blocked and had difficulty speaking up throughout my life. I'm currently working on this in my relationship and in life, and blogging truly helps with it. I thought I had been speaking my truth in recent years, but recently realized there's more work to be done.

I'm sharing to not only help myself but to help others who feel alone, because that was also part of my journey. There was a period of my life where I felt like the only one with my struggles. And while I may be the only one with my exact set of struggles, I have learned through the self-work that we are not alone. Others carry heavy things too. Not to compare, but to say that you aren't alone in your pain, and pain and suffering are part of life.

One more purpose is to share my story. Something I've heard in feedback from other people is that the more authentic I am, the more comfortable they feel being themselves. Even on self-conscious days, I was never not myself, because I leaned toward a little awkward and a little corny. For a long time I debated whether I was professional enough, until I realized I'm not changing how I am to suit a situation. I want to help other people feel the same.

Frequently Asked Questions

What is Human Design?

A self-awareness framework that blends astrology, chakras, and other systems into a chart of your patterns and tendencies. I use it as one lens for understanding myself, not as science or medical advice.

What does it mean to have an undefined heart center?

In Human Design, it means I don't carry a fixed inner sense of "I'm doing a good enough job," so I tend to look outside myself for validation. That's my experience of my own chart, not a rule for everyone.

Why do you share such personal things online?

Because I felt alone in my struggles for a long time, and I've learned we aren't. The more real I am, the more comfortable other women tell me they feel being themselves.

What does "something has to give" mean for you as a mom?

It means I can't do it all. For me, the thing that gave was my nervous system, which showed up as anxiety and feeling run down and touched out. If that sounds like you, you're not failing.

What should I do if I'm feeling anxious or overwhelmed as a mom?

Talk with your own provider, a midwife, OB, or primary care clinician, especially if it's affecting your sleep, your day, or how you feel about yourself. Asking for support is part of the work, not a sign you're doing it wrong.

Come along

So anyway, this has been cathartic so far, to share more about myself and not just what I do. If this is you, tell me. Message me on Instagram, because you are not alone. And if this is something that interests you, keep following along; more about Evie, motherhood, and the real stuff is coming.

If you need further support or have questions about any of this, reach out on IG or book a free consult with me. I'd be happy to help in any way I can.

This is a personal essay. Human Design, numerology, and chakras are shared as my personal experience, not as scientific claims.